Why we need a cultural and parental revolution: The case of the sissy-boy experiments

CNN covered the story of a young man, Kirk Murphy, who as a child underwent a government-funded experimental research program, often referred to as the “sissy-boy experiments” at UCLA, aimed at eliminating his effeminate behavior in order to promote better adjustment.
Kirk Murphy hung himself from a fan in a room in India at the age of thirty-eight. His sister wonders how he made it so long.
This program was the brain child of anti-gay rights activist George Rekers, a psychiatrist who cofounded the Family Research Council, a group that lobbies against gay rights.
Ironically, Rekers was caught returning from a ten-day trip to Europe with a male escort he found on rentboy.com in 2010. The escort later revealed that Rekers is indeed gay and that he was paid to perform daily nude body rubs during their trip together.
This story is not just reprehensible, it is tragic. Yet, if we believe that this is just about another political hypocrisy and indulge our obvious righteousness, we will not get the true message of this story and what it can teach us about our own lives.
This story is about something far deeper and, sad to say, elemental to our mental fabric: the illusion that we have the right to control another, especially our children.
Kirk Murphy’s parents noticed that he exhibited effeminate behavior at an early age. He played with toys typically “meant” for girls and liked stroking the long hair of dolls. His parents were concerned. His mother reported that he wasn’t normal and she was afraid he wouldn’t be well-adjusted.
Enter George Rekers and the program that earned him his doctorate degree and continued to remain the foundational research for those who are in the anti-gay movement. George Rekers conducted experiments with approximately sixty children, in “monitoring” sessions, sometimes close to a hundred in the lab and at home.
Kirk’s parents were advised to engage in behavior modification therapy with him through the use of tokens. He was given red tokens for effeminate behavior and blue for masculine. Red tokens earned him lashings with a belt, sometimes so harsh he had welts on his skin. Blue tokens earned him candy.
Kirk went from a happy boy to someone who became numb. He later joined the Air Force. We might wonder whether such a move was because he knew he wouldn’t have to discuss his sexuality.
How many of us fall into the trap of believing we know what’s best for our children? With this belief, how many of us cross the line into our children’s right to their own autonomy?
Have we subtly or not so subtly coerced our children into behaving as we think fit, contrary to who they long to be? How many times a day do we use words such as “should” and “ought” to impose our will on them?
Do we shame our children into submission? And do we offer them conditional acceptance, based on their compliance?
How many of us, observing non-mainstream tendencies in our child, wouldn’t worry and seek solutions to modify the situation?
Many will say, “What about discipline, respect?” This story isn’t about discipline or respect, but about something far deeper.
This story is about:
• Our inability to lay a foundation of unequivocal acceptance around our children’s right to be who they are intrinsically meant to be.
• The wounds from childhood and how they stay with us interminably, inflicted by parents who are not necessarily unloving, but unaware.
• Our collective trauma of not being able to allow ourselves or others to live authentic lives, true to who we find ourselves to be.
• Raised to live according to the dictates of another from a young age, many of us are divorced from our true voice. We never learn how to express that which is our most natural expression. As a result, we seek to squelch it in another who appears to fall out of our control.
• Our shadow-self that we grow up believing is our “not-good” self. We are haunted by these shadows at a subconscious level. When we see shades of this darkness in others, it terrifies and threatens us. This fear leads us to do many a crazy thing in an illusion of establishing control.
I believe George Rekers himself lived a life in the closet, unable to fully and unconditionally express or understand his authentic self. As a result he projected this split-off part onto others more “controllable” and sought to obliterate in others that which he was taught to loathe within himself.
Are we willing to change the way we relate to one another? Are we ready for a parental revolution that produces a cultural revolution? It’s time to rethink the premise around which we parent and treat our children.

Category: Conscious Parenting2